'The Big Boys of Lumphanan' by George Anderson

     The coast is made up of plunging cliffs or gently sloping beaches, so the Bewilderd Islands do not have many natural harbours.

    Traditionally, the womenfolk have carried their husbands to the fishing boats, wading out from the beach. A lucky woman will get away with cradling her man like a babe, or giving him a piggyback ride. But the bigger the boat the further out the woman has to wade, water lapping bosom-high, her man perched on her shoulders like an acrobat. So the quines like a small boat, and every fisher loon has to strike a balance between a craft that will be attractive to potential wives, while being big enough not to cowp and drown him in heavy seas.

    And of course the Bewilderd male is attracted to big girls – tall enough to clear the sea and hefty enough to carry him the distance. The Bewilderd woman on the other hand, casts admiring glances at wee men – the smaller and easier to carry the better.

     Great offence was caused when Glaswegian contractors arrived to install the islands’ first electricity supply. It was not long before they called some of the larger locals “Big Yin”. This is of course a terrible insult on the Bewilderds.

    And over the years, many an English tourist has caused consternation by saying, “That’s very big of you,” in response to some small act of hospitality. Directed at a male islander this is again a dire insult. Although complimentary when said to a Bewilderd woman, it is regarded as being a bit fresh, and has led to nearly as much violence as the insults have.

    And so it was that Lumphanan Lizzie found her place on the islands. A fine big strapping quine - not a pound of her out of place. Lizzie came to the Bewilderds to take a job in the kitchen of the Puggled Puffin Hotel.

    Taking a stroll down to the front at Radgenish shortly after arriving, she immediately drew admiring glances from the menfolk.

    “Man, did you see thon?” said Clarty Sneddon to Haddy Thompson. “Childbearing hips an kin kerry ye oot tae ships!”

     A number of suitors put in a fair shift trying to woo this goddess in their midst but Lizzie deftly played one off against the other without committing.

    The word got round that Lizzie was from a place on the mainland called Lumphanan. Bewilderd bachelors began to dream of this nirvana where mouthwatering Amazons must surely trip through the streets in droves. And so a number of Bewilderd men travelled to town in the hope of finding more fine big women like Lizzie.

    The biggest girls in the district were soon taken up, much to their surprise and delight, as they were not used to being so vigorously pursued. Normally they paired up with only the fattest boys – if they found anybody at all.

    This put the big boys of Lumphanan onto the back foot, as they could no longer count on the affections of the big girls in the district, even as the town began to fill up with bigger and bigger girls. For word spread of the wiry island visitors, and their quest for large women. Soon big girls from all over were coming to Lumphanan at the weekends, and then off to the islands with the Bewilderd men they matched with. This drove the big boys of Lumphanan into further heights of jealous rage. All except one of them that is. All except Andra McGraw.

    Andra was a big hefty laddie. Red faced. No neck to speak of.  I’m sure you’ve seen the like. They make a speciality of them up that way. It’s the Pictish blood.

    But while Andra was a coarse-looking cove, he had the soul and heart of an artist, and his hands worked magic with pencil or brush.  Andra didn’t get angry like the other big boys. He just pined, listened to sad music and looked out the window.  His big fat unhealthy Lumphanan heart was breaking.  Elspeth, the woman of his dreams, was away to the Islands with her compact new boyfriend.

    After weeks of moping Andra decided he’d have to follow her and plead his case.  He managed to scrape together enough money for a one-way passage, but when he arrived she was not to be persuaded.

    Stuck on the Bewilderds with no cash, the only thing Andra could do was sell sketches to tourists. He was the most unattractive male specimen ever seen in Gallusdubh. They heard the stories in Radgenish and Tichitibui but didn’t believe them. Folk travelled for a look at him just to make sure. 

    Andra pondered the island preference for big women and small men. He realised that if a boat could be designed that would be stable at sea while still able to come close in at the beach, then the fisher loons wouldn’t have to look for such a big wife to carry them, and he might have a chance to win Elspeth back.  He got out his pencils and paper and set about sketching up some designs finally settling on a tri-maran affair with hardly any draft at all but three hulls to keep it steady.

    He took his design to the islands’ leading boatbuilder, Fearty MacFraoir, who raised one eyebrow as he examined the drawings.

    “Multi-hulled issit? Aye, aye, good, good,” he said. “Worth a go. Worth a go.”

    If Andra worried about talking Fearty into the new design, he needn’t have.  At the back of the boatbuilder’s mind was the plight of his only child, Teeny.

    A wee scrap at birth, Teeny MacFraoir had failed to fill out at all during childhood. By her teens, her parents still had hopes that she might at least make it to lanky or rangy. Height at least would save her, in the absence of bulk. But it was not to be. The adult Teeny was compact in all directions, to the shame and despair of all concerned.

    So you’ll understand why Fearty leapt at the idea of a new kind of boat, and set about putting Drew’s design into production right away. He called this new model “The Lumphanmaran.”

    The trouble was that while it solved the root problem, the boat had no effect whatsoever on human attraction on the islands.  In fact, a Lumphanmaran in the family was seen as a terrible affront to both man and wife – a floating reminder that one or other party must be the wrong size.

    Meanwhile, big girls had started going directly to the Bewilderds, and were bypassing Lumphanan altogether. The big boys of Lumphanan weren’t sure if this was a good or bad thing. They remained losers in love, but at least they didn’t have to watch as others triumphed.

    The export market for Lumphanmarans took off, and soon Andra and Fearty were making good money despite the locals’ reluctance.

    And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that Andra and Teeny fell for each other.  The genes jiggled round braw and they were blessed with big daughters and wee sons, but even if they hadn’t been they would have loved them anyway.